That the sociable life of a friend is much more advantageous than to live alone. (Prop) ‘Tis a principle this, that hath so clear evidence for it in the very light of nature, that it might be needless to urge for it any Scripture authority.

‘Tis upon this ground that the Philosopher doth describe a man to be ζῷον πολιτικόν, a sociable creature, as if this did belong to the essence, and were one of the properties of humane nature.

Adam himself in the state of innocence could not be happy (though in Paradise) without a companion. Not to mention any thing of that tremendous mystery of the Trinity of Persons in the Unity of the Godhead.

As for that imaginary Wiseman of the Stoicks whom they suppose to be clapt up in some dark dungeon, lost in some desolate Island, yet then he shall enjoy such a kind of happiness as God himself would do if the world were destroyed, acquiescit sibi, cogitationibus suis traditus — in se reconditur, secum est: Besides, that this is but boasting, and an imaginary Idea of such a state of perfection as no man perhaps ever did, or shall attain unto. They themselves do likewise acknowledge that though their Wiseman be seipso contentus, yet mavult amicum. Though he may make some shift without a friend, yet he had much rather have one; and therefore blame such, qui sapientem intra cutem suam cogunt, who would deny him this privilege and confine him to himself.

There are three things of great consequence to the comfort and safety of life. 1. The rectifying of our judgments. 2. The regulating and composing of our passions. 3. The assistance of our labours. Now the sociable life of a friend will be very advantageous in all these respects.

1. For the rectifying of our judgments; that we may have a true notion of things and business, and be able to judge what is most fit and expedient in several cases and circumstances. There are two general defects which the understandings of men are liable unto, Confusion and Error.

2. Confusion; when our minds are overwhelmed with tumultuous thoughts for want of being methodized and digested by the relation of them. A man will be apt to run away with vain Chimaera’s, with weak and flat projects, whilst they remain meerly in speculation and in thoughts; whereas when they are put into words in our relation of them to others, the weakness and defects of them will presently appear.

So that a man had better (saith a Noble Author) discourse to a statue or picture than suffer his thoughts to pass in a smother. So that herein lies one special advantage of friendship, that a man hath the liberty of communicating his secret thoughts, and thereby clearing them up to himself.

2. He hath hereby likewise the benefit of faithful counsel to direct him against the error of his thoughts. ‘Tis an usual Saying, plus vident oculi quàm oculus; two eyes see more than one: And a stander by many times discerns that which a better gamester overlooks. Men are usually very partial in judging of things wherein they are concerned, according to their inclinations and interests; apt to gloss them over with such appearances as may best sute with their own advantage; and therefore in such cases they have need of the help of others. No wiseman will in a business of moment trust to the advice of a flatterer, because such an one will be sure to tell him what will please rather than what will profit; why, for the same reason neither should he trust to himself in such cases, for Maximus quisque adulator sibi, every man naturally is his own greatest flatterer: Nor will a Stranger be fit for this work of counsel, because such an one may not know the whole state of our businesses, the series and circumstances of our affairs: Or if he do, yet we can have no security of such an ones faithfulness, but that he may be apt to warp and bend his counsels for his own private ends. ‘Tis true indeed, Books will give impartial counsel, without flattery or self-seeking: But there may be these inconveniences in such counsel; that ‘tis not like to be so suitable to our particular occasions, in all the various circumstances of them; nor so lively and efficacious as to the operation of it. And though good Books may in some sense be said to be good friends and councellors, yet they are dead ones; whereas the advice of a faithful friend hath in it a remedy against all these inconveniences; Such an one will neither flatter us nor serve his own ends; His wisdom and fidelity will be ready to help us up when we fall, v. 10. and to warm us with vigor when we are slack and remiss, v. 11.

3. Hence likewise in the second place may we expect the best help for the regulating and composing of our passions. That which for the most part proves the greatest disturbance to the peace and quiet of our lives is from the disorders and vicissitudes of our passions, whereby the mind is kept continually out of frame. What betwixt the frenzy of anger, the ague of hopes and fears, the feaver of love, the consumption of envy, our minds are kept in a continual disease and distemper. So that whatever will conduce to the preserving of these in a composedness and harmony, must needs be of great consequence to our well-fare: And the society of a friend may be very proper and effectual to this purpose; not only for the liberty we have hereby of breathing out our secret troubles, preventing that inward restraint and suffocation whereby they would be multiplied, and by his counsel (which I mentioned before;) but upon this account likewise, that such an one will help to bear a part with us, and so lighten us of our burden by his compassion, and so the less will come to our shares.

The Passions may be distinguished into two kinds; such as are more violent, troublesome and unnatural, referring to evil; as Anger, Fear, Grief, &c. Others more kindly and natural, relating to that which is good, and consequently have a greater agreeableness to our desires; as Love, Hope, Ioy, &c. Now the first of these are by the help of a friend abated and weakened, the other strengthened and confirmed, and both ways our quiet much promoted. And the reason of this difference is founded in nature: Union strengthens any thing that is natural, and weakens all violent impressions. That which adds to the vigor of any living Creature, doth both fit it for its natural operations, and likewise to repel any praeternatural injury or violence. Thus likewise is it in those things which concern the mind; the union of a friend doth help to strengthen us in matters agreeable to our natures, and to weaken those which are repugnant. We divide to a friend our griefs, and so diminish them; we communicate our joys, and so increase them.

3. The sociable life of a friend is likewise advantageous to us, for the assistance of us in our labours; in respect of those many hazards and difficulties we shall meet with in our several imployments; we may by this help be carried on, 1. With greater safety and confidence. 2. With greater cheerfulness and vigor. 3. With greater success and advantage; and that both in secular and spiritual affairs.

4. With greater safety and confidence: Which the Wiseman doth take particular notice of in this place, under a twofold instance. 1. Of two travailing together, and if one of them fall the other will lift him up; but woe to him that is alone when he falleth, for he hath not another to help him, that is, if there be any evil which befalls a solitary helpless person, he may irrecoverably sink under it, whereas another man will find support and relief from the help of a friend. 2. Of two contending together; that opposition which may be too strong for one, may be withstood and overcome by two. Which was the consideration wherewith Ioab and his Brother Abishai did encourage one another, 2 Sam. 10.11. If the Syrians be too strong for me, then thou shalt help me, but if the Ammonites be too strong for thee, then will I come and help thee. Whereas those that live without this mutual entercourse of friendly officers, must be singly exposed to all kind of hazards. The strongest guards are but weak protections, in comparison to love and friendship: Ab ipsis armis inter arma periculum est. Those very arms which should defend us and be for our safety, may be turned against us and prove our ruine.

Non sic excubiae, nec circumstantia tela,

Quàm tutatur amor — saith Claudian.

And ‘tis true this, in respect of spiritual affairs as well as civil; we may proceed in our duties with greater safety upon this account. Solitariness is a time of advantage for Satans temptations. He set upon Eve when alone, and our Saviour when in the desart: This tempts the tempter; Omnia nobis mala solitudo persuadet, saith Seneca: Nothing so mischievous but this may be a temptation unto: ‘Tis an old saying, he that gives himself up to solitude, must be aut Deus aut Daemon, either he must have a self-sufficiency as God, or else Sathan will make him as bad as himself. We are dependant creatures, and shall always in this world stand in need of mutual help from one another.

2. This will help to carry us on with greater cheerfulness, and vivacity in our business. Society and mutual encouragement, will deceive the tediousness of our labour, and cheer us up against all the troubles and oppositions we meet with. ‘Tis one of the main ends of friendship, this, to stand by and comfort a man when he is in distress: ‘Twas the custom of ancient times, for friends to meet together for this very purpose; which was the occasion of the visit which Iob’s friends made to him, in the time of his affliction: A friend is made for adversity, saith the Wiseman. ‘Tis no difficult matter for a man to be full of zeal and affection, whilst all things are well, and prosperous, and there is no temptation to the contrary: but,²Cùm Deus intonuit, non se subducere nimbo, Id demùm est pietas, id socialis amor. We are to expect from others, who do not stand in the relation of friends, that they should not own us in our troubles, but estrange themselves from us, lest they likewise should partake of our misery: Like an herd of Deer, who will push away any of their fellows that is wounded. But he that is a real friend, will then take occasion to manifest his fidelity: Upon which account it is that the privilege of friendship hath been always esteemed one of the greatest comforts of life. How pleasant is it for brethren to live together in unity, Psal. 133.1. As Oyntment and perfumes rejoyce the heart, so doth the sweetness of a mans friend, Prov. 27.9. And for the same reason is it, that the loss of such Relations, is to be esteemed as one of the greatest afflictions that we are capable of; losing a part of our selves, which cannot be without much pain and grief. Which made David so bemoan the death of his friend Ionathan in those pathetical complaints: I am distressed for thee my Brother Jonathan, very pleasant hast thou been unto me, thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of Women, 2 Sam. 1.26.

‘Tis so likewise as to our spiritual conditions, the society of Christian friends being one main branch of the Communion of Saints. Which is, next to the favour of God and the comfort of a good conscience, the greatest privilege we enjoy on this side of heaven. Besides their good examples we have likewise their counsel and their comforts to direct and support us in the performances of our duty: And this is the work of an Angel, nay of God himself, the Son being styled the Counsellor, Isai 9.6. And the holy Ghost the Comforter: So that by this means, one friend may be as an Angel, nay as God to another. Our Saviour himself though he were all-sufficient, yet when he was in his agonie, thought fit to make use of the comfort of an Angel. And as for the power of such to excite us unto duty,³ the Wiseman hath well expressed it, Prov. 27.17. As Iron sharpens Iron, so doth a man his friend: Upon which account the Apostle exhorts to consider one another, to provoke unto love and good works, exhorting one another, Heb. 10.24, 25.

3. This will much promote the success of our labours, and procure for us a better reward, in the verse of the Text. When several heads and hands joyn together in mutual fellowship, their affairs are managed with greater wisdom, and end with better success: Vis unita fortior. And this is more peculiarly true in spiritual services. Though God doth always hear men when we pray to him in secret and alone, yet he hath promised that when two or three are gathered together in his name, he will, after a more especial manner, be in the midst of them; which made St. Paul so earnestly desire the prayers of the Romans, συναγωνίσασθαι, that they might wrestle together with him, Rom. 15.30. And so more effectually prevail. ‘Twas for this reason that our Saviour sent out his Disciples two by two, that so they might more successfully advantage one another in the work of their ministry. You know the story of King Ioash, how he prospered in all his affairs during the life of his good friend Iehoiada; but after his death, he revolted to Idolatry, and with an ungrateful cruelty slew the Son of Iehoiada, for reproving his apostacy; after which nothing prospered with him, but having been first spoiled by the Syrians, he was slain by his own servants, 1 Chron. 24. From all which the truth of the Proposition may sufficiently appear, that the sociable life of a friend, is in many respects much more advantageous, than to live alone.

4. For the Application of this; it may in the first place serve to convince such as pretend to this relation, of the obligation they are under to observe those mutual offices of friendship towards one another; of counselling them in their difficulties, bearing a share with them in their several conditions, rejoycing with them in their joys, and grieving with them in their griefs; assisting them in their labours: Without which all the professions of love and service, are but words of course that vanish into air and signifie nothing. Nay those near Relations of Parent and Child and Brother, and which is nearer, for which a man is to forsake all other, that conjugal relation of Husband and Wife, are only valuable upon this account, as they are friends, and without this they are but empty names, Deut. 13.6. If thy Brother the Son of thy Mother, or the Son of thy Daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend that is as thy own soul. This last is the highest step in the gradation: All the other relations continue, though mixed with unkindness, but this last implies dearness in the very essence of it, and is altogether inseparable from it, a man may be a Father, Son, Husband, and without loving, but ‘tis not possible for him to be a friend without love and friendship.

5. And that we may be thus mutually helpful, to such as we profess friendship to, we should labour for those due qualifications requisite to such a condition. Of these I shall reckon four.

6. There must be true love, which is styled the bond of perfection, σύνδεσμος τῆς τελειώτητος, Colos. 3.14. The only bond that can make a perfect union. As two pieces of Iron will never be perfectly hammered together, unless they are both red hot, so neither will two minds be joyned together in such an helpful union, unless they are both warmed with the same heats of affection. That kind of amity which is founded wholly upon private ends, negotiatio est, non amicitia, it is trafick but not friendship.

7. A wise freedom, not to conceal any thing that may be beneficial, though it may prove distasteful: An profecturus sim nescio, malum successum mihi, quàm fidem deesse: When we are uncertain of the issue of our admonitions, yet this we may be sure of, that ‘tis better to be without success on his part, than fidelity on our own.

8. Patience: Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man thou shalt not go, Prov. 22.24. Short spirited men, are neither good Counsellors nor Comforters. God is said τροποφορεῖν, to suffer· and bear long with the manners of his people in the wilderness, Acts 13.18. And the Apostle injoyns men to possess their souls in patience. Implying, that he that is out of patience, is out of the possession of his own soul; and therefore will not be fit to take care of anothers.

9. Constancy, to hold out in all states and conditions, without deserting him in trouble. To forsake a friend in his distress argues a man to have much baseness and meaness of spirit, and to be without all true generosity. The carriage of the Witch of Endor towards Saul will cast shame upon such unworthy persons: Though she was sure that he was the next day to lose his kingdom and be slain with his Sons, and so could neither hope for good nor fear any hurt from him, yet when she saw him exceedingly dejected, lying upon the ground, and refusing to eat, the remembrance of what he had been impresses upon her such a reverence, that instead of meditating revenge for the law he had enacted against persons of her Trade, she courts him with all the humble and respective language that may be; endeavours to cheer him up,⁴ bespeaks him to eat, kills for him her fatted calf; bestirs her self to prepare unleavened bread, and uses him with as much respect as if he had been still to continue in his most flourishing estate. The example of this Witch may be a just condemnation and reproach to the perfidiousness of an unconstant friend.

But above all other kinds of friendship, this of the Conjugal Relation doth most firmly oblige to these mutual duties. And because the occasion of this present Meeting is to commemorate a solemnity of this nature, which was celebrated in this Church this day was 16 years the happiness of which hath since that time been still continued with all the blessings of domestical love and peace, besides the comforts of a hopeful posterity to succeed; therefore in order to the present occasion, the better to excite your gratitude for the mercies you commemorate, I would offer it to your consideration to look abroad into the World and take a view of the state of many other great Families; how uncomfortably they live by reason of domestical dissentions, which sometimes rise to that height as to make a separation of those whom God hath joyned, to their mutual dishonour and discomfort: And perhaps either no posterity to continue the name, or such a vicious and debauched one, as will be a scandal to it. They that understand the state of things abroad will find no great scarcity of examples to this purpose. And therefore how great reason have others to be thankful for their exemption in these respects.

Gods peculiar blessing of any in a relation is a farther obligation upon them to serve him in the duties of that relation, which are in this case either special to Husband and Wife, or joint and common to both.

1. Husbands should love their Wives as Christ loves his Church, Ephes. 5.25. Or as they love their own selves, v. 33.

2. Be kind to them, v. 29. Not harsh and bitter against them, Colos. 3.19. Lest she cover the Altar of the Lord with her tears, so that he will not regard thy offering any more, nor receive it with good will at thy hand, Malachi 2.13, 14.

3. Give honour to them as the weaker vessels, as being heirs with you of the grace of life, 1 Pet. 3.7. Being tender of displeasing or disatisfying them, by any imprudent action, or seeming neglect. Let her be unto thee as the loving Hinde, or the tender Roe, and be thou always satisfied with her love.

The Wife must:

1. Be subject to her Husband as to the Lord, Ephes. 5.22. This is meet and comely, Colos. 3.18. For after this manner the holy women of old time, that trusted in God, were in subjection to their husbands, 1 Pet. 3.5. Which was signified by their heads covered, 1 Cor. 11.10. They must not usurp authority over the man, 1 Tim. 2.12. This would give occasion for the word of God to be blasphemed, Titus 2.5.

2. To reverence them, 1 Pet. 3.6. And out of an awful regard to take care of pleasing them: She that is married takes care to please her own husband, 1 Cor. 7.34.

3. To be of meek and sober spirits, placing their chiefest ornament in good works, as becometh women professing godliness, 1 Tim. 2.9, 10. Either keeping silence, v. 11. or speaking with wisdom, having the law of kindness in her lips, Prov. 31.26.

The joint Duties common to both are:

1. To be mutual helps: Which was the end of this ordinance, Gen. 2.18. participating in one anothers cares and concernments; This the very name imports, they are σύζυγοι, conjuges, draw in the same yoke, and therefore should partake of the same burden and benefit.

2. In the educating of their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord; being instrumental for their regeneration, continually exciting them to love of things that are truly virtuous and noble, and to a dislike and aversation of all such matters, as are sinful and unworthy, going before them in the example of a good life: They should whet the law upon them as the word signifies, Deut. 6.7. that is inculcate it, going it over and over again, as men do when they whet a thing; the first impressions are like to abide longest. To pray for them; Iob offered a sacrifice for each of his Children: Not to provoke them to wrath, Ephes. 6.4. lest they be discouraged, Colos. 3.21. Using such a mixture of kindness and lenity in the exercise of parental authority as may excite a filial awe mixed of love and fear.

3. In the government of the whole family. If God have blessed you in these Relations you shall take up Ioshua’s resolution, I and my house will serve the Lord, setting up his fear and worship in your families.

This is the best way to express your gratitude for mercies past, and will be the surest means to continue and secure them for the future.

And if a blessing from this place, this Mount of blessing, from the mouth and heart of him who had the happiness first to joyn your hands may be efficacious, I shall close up all with this benediction.

The Lord bless you, and lift up the light of his countenance upon you: Continue you in mutual love and peace, and give you to see the desire of your souls upon your posterity; that after many days of mutual comfort here, you may in a good old age be gathered to your Fathers, and that your Children after you may rise up and call you blessed for your love and care of them in a virtuous and christian education.

The End of the ninth Sermon.

---

← Sermon 8 · Contents · Sermon 10. At the Spittle Easter Wednesday, 1663 →

Footnotes

1. Acts 7.26. ↩

2. Ovid de Trist. lib. 5. el. 15. ↩

3. Luke 22.43. ↩

4. 1 Sam. 28. ↩