AH! Dear Sophronia, in spight of all the care, and officiousness of those diligent Attendants, that you were pleas’d to send to watch with me, I have Slept all Night as little as I do now, or as I shall desire to do whilst you stay here.
This unwelcome leisure brought me as much a Necessity as an Opportunity to spend the time in entertaining my Thoughts, which on this occasion were almost as Various, and seem’d too as Wild, as, if I had Slept, my Dreams themselves would have been: And therefore, I presume you will not wonder, if I can now recall but few of them, and if the rest be as easily Vanish’d out of my Memory, as they came abruptly into my Mind.
The first Thought that I remember entertain’d me, was that which was the most naturally suggested by the condition I was in: For when I found how tedious and wearisome each hour was, and observ’d how long a time seem’d to intervene betwixt the several Divisions that the striking of the Clock made of a Night, that must at this time of the Year be much shorter than the Day, I could not but consider, how insupportable their condition must be, to be cast into outer Darkness, where tormented Wretches lye, not as I do upon a soft Bed, but upon Fire and Brimstone, where no attendance of Servants, or kindness of Friends, is allow’d them, that need it as much as they deserve it little; and, which is worst of all, where no Beam of hope is permitted to Consolate them, as if the Day should Dawn after so Dismal a Night, though protracted to Millions of Ages, each of whose miserable hours appears an Age.
The next thing I was considering, was, How defective we are in point of Gratitude to God; I now Blush that I cannot call to Mind the time, when I ever thought that his having vouchsaf’d me the power of Sleeping, deserv’d a particular Acknowledgment. But now I begin to see that ‘tis our Heedlesness, not their Uselesness, that keeps us from daily being thankfull for a multitude of Mercies, that we take no notice of; Though it be injurious, That that only commonness that heightens the Benefit, should keep us from being sensible of the Greatness of it. I confess I was very lately one of them, who look’d upon Sleep as one of those inconveniencies of humane Nature, that merit a Consolation; and I very little apprehended, that I should ever complain of the want of Sleep, as of a Grievance, the necessity of it being what I always look’d upon under that Notion: But I now perceive, he was a Wise man, who said, That God made every thing Beautifull in its Season. And yet, when I consider the Affinity betwixt Sleep and Death, whose Image it is, I cannot but think it very unlikely, that this Life should be design’d for our Happiness, since not to lose almost half of it were an Infelicity.
Another thing I remember I was considering, was this, That though want of Sleep be one of the uneasiest accidents that attend on Sickness, yet in many cases it proves as usefull as it can be unwelcome: For there is a sort of Jolly people, far more Numerous than I could wish them, who are at utter defiance with Thinking, and do as much fear to be alone, as they should to do any course that is naturally productive of so unmanly a fear: And the same Sinfull employments, or Vain pastimes, that make them afraid of being alone, do so much keep them from the necessity of being so, that they keep them almost from the very Possibility of it: For in the time of Health, Visits, Businesses, Cards, and I know not how many other Avocations, which they justly stile Diversions, do succeed one another so thick, that in the Day there is no time left for the distracted Person to converse with his own Thoughts: And ev’n, when they are Sick, though they be debarr’d of many of those wonted Diversions, yet Cards and Company will give them enough to prove a Charm against Thinking, which the Patient is so willing, or rather sollicitous, to decline, the need of that Sickness less troubles him, as it keeps his Body from going abroad, than as it tends to drive his Thoughts home; so that Sickness does little or nothing towards the making such Men consider, by casting them upon their Beds, unless it also hinder them from Sleeping there. But in the long and tedious Nights, when all the Praters, and the Gamesters (who are usually call’d good Companions, but seldome prove good Friends) are withdrawn, and have left our Patient quite alone, the Darkness of the Night begins to make him discern, and take some notice of his own Condition· and his Eyes, for want of outward Objects, are turn’d inwards, he must, whether he will or no, during the Silence of the Night, hear those Lessons, which by the Hurry and Avocations of the Day he endeavour’d to avoid. And though this be a very unwelcome Mercy, yet ‘tis a Mercy still, and perhaps the greater for being so unwelcome: For if he could Sleep in Sickness, as he us’d to do in Health, he were in great danger of having his Conscience laid Asleep, till it should be Awak’d by the Flames and Shriecks of Hell. And the design of God in chastning, being to reclaim and amend us, we not only do, by our want of Reflecting, indure the trouble of Sickness, without reaping the benefit of it, but also by our shunning to consider, we are so Ill-natur’d to our selves, as to lengthen the Sickness, we are so Impatient of; which is in us as foolish as ‘twould be in a nice Patient, after having been made to take a bitter, but a salutary Potion, to send unseasonably for Cordials and Julips to hinder the working of it, and so by such unruliness lose the benefit of the Operation, and lengthen his Pain and Sickness, to avoid the far less trouble of complying with the Nature of the Medicine, and the Designs of the Physitian: So that Repentance being necessary to Recovery, and the considering of a Man’s own ways as necessary to Repentance, the want of Sleep, which both allows us time, and imposes on us a necessity to think, may well be look’d upon as a happy Grievance, since it very much tends to the shortning of our Afflictions, by the disposing us to Co-operate towards God’s aims in sending them.
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