Schleiermacher to his Sister Charlotte.
[CXXIII.] Berlin, 20th November, 1799.
DEAR LOTTE,
Another pause, far longer than I wished or expected it to be. You can hardly conceive how it vexes me to find that I always do so much less than I intend. It is constantly the case with me, and is, no doubt, very often my own fault; but when any of the things which I like best to do remain undone, the blame generally does not lie with myself. The Dohnas, during whose absence I wrote to you last, returned, and remained here until far into the latter half of the past month, and during that time I was too much disturbed, and in too great a whirl, to think of writing a long letter. All other work and business likewise lay by during that period, so that for the last four weeks I have hardly had time to breathe. At the same time I have endured a gnawing inward sorrow, connected with the domestic and public relations of my friend, and the unfavourable position in which he has placed himself in regard to the world. Kind Mrs. Herz has been similarly distressed about her friend Mrs. Veit, and so we have poured out our sorrows to each other, and consoled each other, and formed all kinds of impossible plans. In addition to this Mrs. Herz has, for the last six weeks, been suffering from the consequences of a fall, in which she injured her hand; and my other friend, Mrs. G——, has also made my heart heavy, owing to various unpleasantnesses to which she has been exposed, and which have been increased and prolonged by an imprudent act of mine, committed with the best intentions and the most disinterested zeal. Considering all this, you will hardly be surprised to hear that I have for a long while been mentally indisposed, and that, during the last few days, I have even been physically ill. For some days I have been troubled with a very violent headache, quite unusual with me, and which has only yielded to a great blister, which my good friend Herz might have ordered a little sooner. From pains in my eyes, which are of older date, and which have been increased by a great deal of unavoidable writing, I am also still suffering; as you may perceive by my handwriting being so much larger than usual. But I could not postpone any longer writing to you, and have, as you see, at least commenced in my old year.
That my accounts of the Dohnas and my relations with them would interest you, I quite anticipated, and I will, therefore, now give you a retrospect of the chief occurrences of the latter part of their stay. How surprised and delighted we all were to see the Countess Friederike after her return from Dresden, you can hardly picture to yourself; for it is impossible to form a conception of the great change which this little journey had produced. Her cheeks were again tinged with a fresh rosy hue, her eyes were animated, her pulse was quiet and free from all feverish symptoms, her carriage more vigorous, her disposition lively, cheerful, and full of new pleasure in life. In this state, thank God, she remained as long as she was here, and the accounts which I have received say that even the journey to the province of Prussia, in very unfavourable weather, had no injurious effects, and that she continues to gain strength. You will readily understand that these circumstances increased the pleasure which her company afforded me. I could speak more freely with her, and I once more felt myself quite at home in her noble mind. Upon the whole I was more constantly with them during the latter part of their stay. The curiosity to see the lions of Berlin had been satisfied, and we enjoyed the time more quietly. This undisturbed intercourse afforded me new proofs of how much more constant, than we generally think, are all mental phenomena in strong and cultivated characters. All their well-known peculiarities became again apparent, and in spite of the great esteem and confidence which the Count and Countess evinced towards me, I saw very distinctly that, were I to live with them as before, and under similar conditions, matters would be exactly the same as seven years ago. A family festival after the old fashion also took place. The Countess’s birthday falls upon the 23rd October, and they had calculated beforehand that it would occur during their journey. None of them had as yet seen Count Alexander’s dwelling. It was determined that they should breakfast with him one day, and one evening previous to this I received a letter from the Count, couched in his usual obscure terms, so that I could hardly make out that he had purchased some very pretty little presents for the Countess in the name of her absent sons, and that he begged that I would write some appropriate verses to be delivered with them, for at the breakfast at Alexander’s rooms the birthday was to be celebrated in advance. It was an impromptu, for he had not spoken to the girls about it, and the whole family festival recalled the past most vividly to my mind. The sweet motherliness of the Countess; the loving remembrance of the absent ones; the tender solicitude about Alexander, who continues to show a disinclination to marry, and who differs so much from the rest of his family in regard to religious matters that the topic is generally avoided; the confidential talk;—made me feel as if I were at Schlobitten again. Later in the day came the Countess Schulenburg, a cousin of the Countess, and soon after the party separated. I was with them even to the very last morning, and handed them into the carriage.