EZEK. 33. 11.
WE have endeavored to make plain those Mountains, that are in the way to our Conversion, and turning to God: Now it remaineth, that we exalt some Valleys, and remove those discouragements that are on mens spirits, while in the general, they seem to desire and purpose to turn unto God. I acknowledge, these valleys are not so many as the mountains; discouragements and dejections not so frequent, as presumptious; more are fondly perswaded of the easiness to turn to God, then the difficulty: which is clearly evidenced, by the secure and negligent disposition of most, that though they hear never so much about this duty of turning to God, yet never consider or apply, never make any matter, whether they are turned unto God or not. I will not be too long in enumeration of the usual dejections in this kinde; I shall instance in one or two, which will in effect serve for the rest: And
First, There are some who say, They have many purposes and desires to turn to God, they have frequently resolved to forsake their sins, but then these quickly perish1 again, and so they think it is in vain to try any more: They do but as the man, that is rolling a great stone upon the hill, which presently returneth with the greater force: They are as a man striving and rowing hard against the stream, but immediately is forced as much backward, as ever he got forward: And I cannot but think, that this is a sad objection upon many mens hearts, who have their times of relenting, of much sorrow and trouble, and then take up high resolutions, They will never live, or be as they have been; in the minde they are in, all the temptations in the world shall never prevail over them any more. Now to help such out of their disconsolateness; Consider
First, That it may be these purposes they have, are not hearty, real, and fully conquering the heart: They are but a kinde of wishes and desires, such as Balaams,2 Oh, that I might dye the death of the Righteous: They are but faint wishing and woulding, as we say, and this will never do any good: They are such desires as the Sluggard is said to have, which yet doth scarce draw his hand out of his bosom to help himself: Its not as the phrase is, To cleave to the Lord with full purpose of heart; as Paul said in another case, I could wish to be made an Anathema, so thou couldest wish to be separated from thy lusts, thou couldst desire to be a new convert; but these are such languishing motions, that they are like those living Creatures, […], that live but for a day; there comes up a worm, that quickly consumes these gourds. The desires of a man in his conversion, are compared to Hunger and Thirst, to Panting and Breathing, all which are the most violent and impatient motions of a man: Can a man be hungry, ready to be starved, and sit still crying, O that I had food? no, it will break through stone walls. You see what the hungry Lepers did, 2 Kings 7. 8. desperately ventured even into their enemies quarters, that they might be satisfied: And thus, if thy purposes and resolutions were full and strong, no lust, no temptation could be so strong as to hold thee any longer; but now they are half desires, and faint wishes, and God hath made no promise to such, that they shall be satisfied. Austin speaks of himself before his conversion, how he had many desires and resolutions to leave his sins, which made him pray to God, that God would give him grace to part with them, yet at that very time he was afraid (he saith) that God should hear his prayers; he was afraid God should do that for him, he desired: And thus it may be with thee, thou hast many affections and desires to forsake thy sins, frequent relentings, yet if it should come to it indeed, that thou must be taken from them, it would be a trouble to thee; all which argueth, thou art not real, fully bent against them.
Secondly, As these purposes are but weak and faint, so it may be they are slavish in thee, extorted onely from outward considerations of danger and punishment, in fear3 of death, and of publique judgements: Now if so, its no wonder if these thorns do not bear grapes: This is often in the Scripture exemplified, Ahab, Pharaoh, the Israelites; while the strok of Gods judgements was upon them, then they would turn to God: Thus the Israelites turned and turned very often, but they turned from God again, as often as they turned unto him: Now the ground of this miscarriage was, because these purposes were violently wrung from them, they dared not to do otherwise; and so when the cause was removed, the effect presently ceased. Look then, what it is that is the rise of thy resolutions; thou resolvest and resolvest sometimes, even with sad and bitter tears, but thou art after wards where thou wert before; Is not this that which marreth all? These resolutions never are, but when thou art in some fears, in some terrors, and these violent things therefore will never hold long: They will hold as long as the principle of their violence holdeth; but when that ceaseth, all thy purposes fall to the ground again. Never then wonder to see the Israelites commit those idolatryes, and that injustice, which sometimes they cryed out off, and confessed to God; for all this was squeezed from them, not willingly done by them: O then! if thou wouldst at last see a sweet harmony, between thy resolution and conversation, begin to mend thy purposes; let them not be resolves out of fear, but out of love: O Lord (say) not onely in time of danger, but in the midst of all mercies and comforts, my soul breathes after thee: Its not fear of hell and death makes me take up these conclusions, but love to thee, and what is holy: Thou mayest be sure, this will hold, thou wilt be the same, if this move thee first. Thou wilt be no longer, as the man that purgeth his ship, which leaketh, and water comes in at one place, as fast as it is emptied at another; but thou hast laid a good and sure foundation to build upon.