THe silence of the Night, and my being unable to Sleep, disposing me to have my attention very easily excited; I chanc’d to take notice, that the Dim light of the Candle, which the Curtains were not drawn so close as to exclude every where out of the Bed, was on a suddain considerably increas’d, and continued so long in that condition, that, for fear of some mischance, I put my Head out of the Bed to see whence it was that this new and unexpected increase of Light proceeded; but I quickly found, that ‘twas from a Thief (as they call it) in the Candle, which by its irregular way of making the Flame blaze, had melted down a good part of the Tallow, and would have spoil’d the rest, if I had not call’d to one of those that Watch’d with me, to rescue the remains by the removal of the Thief. But I had scarce done this, when, I confess to you, (Sophronia) I found my self invited to make some Reflections upon what I had done, and to read my self a new Lesson by the Beams of this new Light: For though this Thief made the Candle shine more strongly, and diffuse a much greater Light than it did before; yet because it made a great and irregular waste of the Candle, I order’d it to be taken away; and on this occasion me-thought I might justly make use of that saying of Pharaoh’s forgetfull Butler, I do remember my Faults this Day, Gen. 41. 9. For though I find no great difficulty in abstaining from other kinds of Intemperance, yet to that of Studying, my Friends, and especially my Physitians, have often accus’d me of being too Indulgent: Nor can I altogether deny, but that in mental Exercises, there can be Exorbitancies, and Excesses, I may have sometimes been Guilty of them; and that the things for which I think Life valuable, being the satisfaction that accrues from the improvement of Knowledge, and the exercise of Piety, I thought it allowable, if not commendable, to consume or hazard it for the attainment of those Ends; and esteem’d Sickness more formidable for its unfitting me to learn, and to teach, than for its being attended with pain and danger, and look’d upon what it made me forbear, as far more troublesome than what ever else it made me endure. But I find my Body is a Jade, and tyres under my Mind, and a few hours fix’d Contemplation does sensibly so spend my Spirits, as to make me feel my self more weary that the Riding post for twice as many hours has ever done. Wherefore, since, though the proper use of a Candle be to consume it self, that it may give others Light, I yet thought fit to have the Thief taken away, because, though it made the Candle give more Light, it would have wasted it too fast, and consequently made it expire too soon; I see not how I can resist their perswasions, that would have me husband better the little stock of strength Nature has given me, and the rather, by a moderate expence of it, endeavour to make it shine longe, though but Dimly, then consume it to fast, though for a while to keep up a Blaze: I will therefore endeavour to learn of this Sickness, and of this Accident, what the Doctors hitherto could never teach me, and injoyn my self an Abstinence, which to me is more uneasie, than if Wine, or VVomen, or other sensual Pleasures were to be the Objects of it; but if in so difficult an Exercise of Self-denial, I do not always perform what I am now perswaded to, ‘tis like I shall easily forgive my self, for but a little hastning the end of my Life to attain the ends of it.
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